Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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