he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
