im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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