Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
