Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize