im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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