Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
