I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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