Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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