My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
