If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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