mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
