Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
