There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
