take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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