She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
