I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
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