We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
