I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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