Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
