yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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