I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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