After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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