Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
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