I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Did I show you my penis last night?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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