my phone needs a breathalizer
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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