When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
