he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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