do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
