If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
