I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
