Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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