I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
