my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
