Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
