she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
