Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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