Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
