Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You have to summon your inner elephant
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
