sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Randomize
