You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
