"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
