Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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