At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
