Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
