i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
