there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
