the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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