You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
