Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
