I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
