I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
