I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
