I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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