I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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