It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
