You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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