some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
porn star boner night. come get it.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
