I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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